Please tell me, mum, dad - What did I do?
Was it me that ruined you?
What was it about my internal fire that made you discard me, but not my siblings too?
I raised one of your babies.
Kept him safe from sordid memories.
Why did you tell me at 13 the secrets she held,
Yet didn't want to know the chaos I withheld?
Why was I raised as one thing,
Forced to protect my brothers from the raging.
Why do neither of you know me?
Punished by actions of teenage history.
Why was I blamed for things I didn't do,
When I spent my childhood protective of you?
Why did you both make me homeless?
I know I stole, but it wasn't mortgage money - why cant you confess?
Why do I get the brunt of you both unhappy and unhealed
You abandoned me when the abuse was revealed.
I'm sorry I did the things that I did,
I was just a lost, and little fucking kid.
When I was sleeping in doorways,
You lied about the part you did play.
I was demonised and berated by all of my peers,
The first two years of secondary school I ate lunch alone, in tears.
How could you not know I was being bullied?
How could you not see I couldn't recover fully?
Ridiculed by you both - other adults and left in a state,
Parents as cruel as most of my class mates.
Your girls were better and more important than me,
Over and over you'd repeat that your girls were priority.
I never felt hate or bitterness for them genuinely.
Continued beration became my self fulfilled prophecy.
I protected your boys from your vile debauchery,
Took on adult troubles, stepped up for the family.
Managed to function around your warped fantasy.
Not once was I chosen, not once can you see?
Now I have cancer, neither of you called,
Not one mother fucking little piece of you was appalled,
That your first born daughter lay sick and alone,
Is your life so great without my presence being known?
I know I did wrong,
My lack of love stole the happiness I should of had while young
I know I'm the problem my issues are strife,
I can't help thinking I ruined your whole fucking life.
Why don't you love me,
I just want to be loved.
My sickness isn't even enough for you to see
I was just a baby whose life was constant treachery.
I cry because I don't know how to be better,
Sit day after day, healing, trying to forget her.
Even now I think what good is this letter?
If the fact I might die, doesn't cause one blink of an eye
What did I do to make the hatred so true.
Mummy, daddy, I doted on each one of you.
I will beat this illness, ride it the fuck through
And if i dont, you should be ashamed...
I'm fucking fantastic, but you didn't ever have a clue.
